Watch out! Chris Johnson is upgrading his iPhone

I’ve reached that age — old, I believe, is what the young’uns call it — where I’ve kinda peaked in my technological skills. Actually, it’s more that I’ve lost interest in advancement.

In the last few years, I’ve transitioned websites, learned to shoot and edit video and operate the toaster. It’s all been pretty valuable stuff, but it’s tiring. Why? Because you can have the whole technological world figured out on Monday, only to find everything you learned is obsolete by Friday.

Throughout these few years, I’ve survived with the same ol’ beat-up iPhone. It’s a 4-something — a 4S, 4E or R2D2 … I’m not exactly sure. But I do know it’s old because my service provider has been telling me for more than three years that I’ve been due for an upgrade. My wife has ordered me to get a new one after a few calls didn’t go through, and my son points at it and laughs. But I had no interest in replacing it.

You’ll never see me in one of those long lines outside a retailer when a new phone is released. For some folks, a phone is a status symbol and an extension of their personality. Mine certainly is an extension of myself, the extension that says, “I don’t care ‘bout much of nuthin’.”

Then, along came yet another technological breakthrough. Facebook, in its efforts to rule the universe, has been rolling out something called Facebook Live in which folks can broadcast live video straight from their iPhones, iPads or iToasters. When I saw George Takei broadcasting and taking questions from fans, I knew this was mandatory learning.

Facebook Live offers a chance for grass-roots nonprofits to showcase how they get things done where big nonprofits don’t. It allows instructors to give presentations from afar. It allows you to get up close and personal behind the scenes with folks like Mr. Sulu. Most importantly, instead of people taking pictures of their sandwich to put on Facebook at lunch, they can live-cast the actual eating of the sandwich on Facebook at lunch.

A lot of news organizations and celebrities already are on board with this. And I’ll be using it soon to help folks understand the importance of supporting grass-roots nonprofits over the corporatized behemoths. I would use it to broadcast myself eating a sandwich, but I get sick of sandwiches. Although, you just might catch me live-casting the demolition of a few chili-cheeseburgers.

That’ll have to wait a couple of weeks, though. It turns out that my ancient iPhone is incapable of live-casting. I had to break down and part with the 99 cents it took to upgrade. My next iPhone-something-something is on the way.

And not a moment too soon. While grilling last night, I was listening to Spotify on my current iPhone R2D2 and it paused to give me the message “You are listening to Camden’s iPhone.”

What? I don’t even know a Camden. I know of a Camden County, but that’s it. Then Merle Haggard quit singing through my iPhone and Katy Perry came on. I’m sure she’s a nice lady,

but I can’t grill to her. I need Merle, Waylon, Willie or Jimmy Buffett.

I’m not sure I figured out the problem but I kept reloading Spotify enough to screen protectors  tire out Katy Perry. She gave up on me. I can only imagine, though, that somewhere in my neighborhood some little boy named Camden is crying because his iPhone keeps blasting “I Think I’ll Just Stay Here and Drink” by Merle Haggard.

By the time my new iPhone finally gets here, Camden might finally realize what real music is.